Dead Inside

Today was just any other day on Gor for thyri, another day of cooking, cleaning, errands, rinse and repeat. Vyl has been incredibly generous to me, beyond any imagination I may have had of a man's generosity towards a slave. Thyri's still dying inside however. Why? Because she's essentially a lady's slave. Vyl and his sister dress thyri up like a doll, she does housework, she runs errands. She tries to be the perfect slave. And if she never had to see the world around her, she would probably be content.

Today however, she saw a free woman submitting to contractual slavery for a 24 hour period so that she could learn what sex was. And she shattered. I realized this was long coming for thyri, she was so repressed in her new life. Everyone thyri's ever been collared to dotes over her like she's a doll. But they never make her feel her slavery. She's never put to the whip, she's never made to fear displeasing a man.

She fears women, because they're always screaming "disgusting" to her. Always wanting to put her in non revealing clothing, she might as well be wearing robes.

So back to the shattering. The free woman was up, naked, begging to be used by men. She was put through her slave paces. When was the last time thyri was put through slave paces? In the course of RP time, it had been decades, perhaps centuries. When was the last time she was used as a slave? To be made to feel helpless like a slave. To scream as a slave does helpless to stop, helpless to conceal her emotions. Thyri has essentially become, numb to everything. Free womens kicks to the ribs stopped hurting. Cruel words tossed her way... nothing. She serves in work only, sure it may be pleasing but is that it?

So thyri for the first time in a while, shrank back from vyl when he touched her. In front of his "sister" of course since its his RL wife, he couldnt do anything more. Thyri is becoming used to this, but feeling nothing because of it because it always stops. Like a trick, or a game with her. Its killing thyri inside to not be seen as a sexual being when everyone else seems to be seen as such. Despite thyri's efforts to seem sexual, vibrant, alive... its ignored. So she reverts back to work which is where she assumes everyone wants her. But in doing work, she shields herself from sex.

I pray that Vyl takes thyri in hand in the next week, because she's in a bad shape at the moment