Dead Inside

Today was just any other day on Gor for thyri, another day of cooking, cleaning, errands, rinse and repeat. Vyl has been incredibly generous to me, beyond any imagination I may have had of a man's generosity towards a slave. Thyri's still dying inside however. Why? Because she's essentially a lady's slave. Vyl and his sister dress thyri up like a doll, she does housework, she runs errands. She tries to be the perfect slave. And if she never had to see the world around her, she would probably be content.

Today however, she saw a free woman submitting to contractual slavery for a 24 hour period so that she could learn what sex was. And she shattered. I realized this was long coming for thyri, she was so repressed in her new life. Everyone thyri's ever been collared to dotes over her like she's a doll. But they never make her feel her slavery. She's never put to the whip, she's never made to fear displeasing a man.

She fears women, because they're always screaming "disgusting" to her. Always wanting to put her in non revealing clothing, she might as well be wearing robes.

So back to the shattering. The free woman was up, naked, begging to be used by men. She was put through her slave paces. When was the last time thyri was put through slave paces? In the course of RP time, it had been decades, perhaps centuries. When was the last time she was used as a slave? To be made to feel helpless like a slave. To scream as a slave does helpless to stop, helpless to conceal her emotions. Thyri has essentially become, numb to everything. Free womens kicks to the ribs stopped hurting. Cruel words tossed her way... nothing. She serves in work only, sure it may be pleasing but is that it?

So thyri for the first time in a while, shrank back from vyl when he touched her. In front of his "sister" of course since its his RL wife, he couldnt do anything more. Thyri is becoming used to this, but feeling nothing because of it because it always stops. Like a trick, or a game with her. Its killing thyri inside to not be seen as a sexual being when everyone else seems to be seen as such. Despite thyri's efforts to seem sexual, vibrant, alive... its ignored. So she reverts back to work which is where she assumes everyone wants her. But in doing work, she shields herself from sex.

I pray that Vyl takes thyri in hand in the next week, because she's in a bad shape at the moment

Fade to Black

Oh yes one of my favourite topics. On the Gorums I speak quite a great deal about fading the sex scenes from Gor to black. I just dont see the need for EVERY time your character bumps pixels you need to have a 10 hour fuckfest. At the 2 hour mark really, you're not in RP anymore, you're cybering. I've apparantly gotten the scarlet letter on my chest from posting my aversion to this because I've had no less than 3 men tell me that "someone" told them that I wouldnt RP sex with them. Ummmm thats NOT what I said. Or maybe not what I meant. Gor isnt ALWAYS about the sex. But the sex is good as a part of things, just not the only part. We're seeing more "paga sluts" and "coin girls" on Gor these days. Why is that? Oh yah because I forgot that Gor was the SLwide forum to show off your cybering skills you pathetic creature. I'm sorry, some of these girls are my friend, but I know a LOT of girls who use cybersex as some kind of validation for themselves. Ummm NO. I'm NOT going to take my self esteem from how well I can get some dude off with my words. I KNOW I can get a dude off because of my words.

So on that note Vyl and I have been dancing around the sex issue for the past month or so. One month, RP every day and no sex. Ok apparantly I have to work at this and seduce him. Ok I get it, you like women to persue you actively. Ok fine. So finally after being his pot girl for a few weeks, he tells me I have to write a dance. So I do. I write a need dance. And its fucking HOT because well.. I wrote it. Its not masturbating in the grass hot its just "you WILL fuck me now because you're going to want this more than you've ever wanted anything in your life" dance. So I log on expecting to do this dance. Its 2pm and I'm like "ok I have 5-6 hours...one hour to do the dance... leaving 4 hours for sex if necessary" I figure since its thyri and Vyl's first time having sex.. it might take a while. So I log on. And wait. And then he tells me to go out shopping while he shows me around the sim his wife has been building. Ohhh...kay.... So then finally.... at 6pm.. he gets me to do the dance. By the time all the prepwork and dancing is done.... its 8pm and his wife goes to bed. We start the normal fumbling fondlings of first time e-sex... and then I get the IM "I'm so sorry but I'm falling asleep here"

DO WHAT?!?! You're falling ASLEEP? Ok I do realize its 4am where you are but couldnt you have at least budgeted your time SLIGHTLY better if you wanted to do this? Like the 4 fucking hours you spent sitting dead on the sim your wife's building and I'm staring off into space bored out of my skull? Ok... must live up to reputation I've cultivated. Fade to black.... I have to tell him its OK and its RP and I'm not upset at this. But I'm fucking PISSED. You bother to have me write up this long dance that took me over a week to write, thyri's storyline is about to change forever and she might actually become a warm slave if the words were used to break her of this potgirl funk she's in. But no, it's faded to black. He promises he'll "make it up to me" Great, now this dude feels like he owes me. Just fucking peachy. So now I have to figure out how words that werent written will translate into thyri's catharsis. I dont think I can do it. I dont think I can pretend that sex happened when NOTHING happened. Nothing to base it off of. He's still apologizing to me to this day. And I have to say "oh no dont worry about it I'm fine with fading it out"

Am I a fucking leper????? That the only people that want to fuck me want to one line me while RPing with other people, leaving me to be their dirty little secret or... oh wait, there IS no or. Now if I want any kind of e-sex to spank off to or get aroused by... I have to get on an alt and fiddle around until I find someone who can come close to matching me in RP and e-bang them. Because of my reputation saying that a slave has the RIGHT to fade a scene to black if its absolutely abhorrent... now this means that I want nothing to do with sex and that I'm just a complete fucking loser.

This just makes me wonder more and more about thyri's future on Gor. I could reactivate Quixie to see if she can get with a decent RPer and be able to be sexual. Or I could beg this guy to plan his time better so we can get our pixels doing the mambo. Not happy, definitely NOT happy.

So I read Blue's blog tonight. Seems he's STILL hungup about Torrid. And apparantly locked himself off of the Gorums and is throwing a blog Pity Party for himself because noone noticed he was gone. Well lets see here. When you're an abrasive douchebag to anyone you ever meet... ummm no noone's going to care where you've run off to. Because sim after sim isnt begging him to please oh pretty please join us, he feels slighted. Oh boo fucking hoo. You made your bed, asshole. Lay in the sewage that you've sewn. And poor Beth still is all lovey lovey about this JERK. Apparantly he's lied to people in order to enact revenge on other people. Oh LOVELY. Real nice person you are there you JERK. Oh well, back to my own pity party.

I need to get thyri laid. Hell "I" need to get laid. Sex RP is fun, and its something I rather like doing. Just not all the time. But I want it. I want it bad.

Under New Ownership

Well I finally did it. Vyl now owns thyri. This was a rather interesting development but essentially thyri was abandoned. Vyl took thyri to another city that he had moved to from Telnus and informed jared he wanted to buy her. Jared didnt even give me the satisfaction of the RP drama of her being sold in front of her owner. No, it was a "ok this got NPC'ed out" or in the words of the gorumites, FTB'ed. A sale of a slave, faded.... I feel a little odd about that. But RP is RP and I suppose its for the greater good of the RP.

He had another slave, and I just found out today that she was the alt of someone I really respected. I HATE knowing who peoples' alts are. Obviously they're an alt for a reason. Either they want to experience a part of RP they get none of in their existing character or they're trying to deceive people. Well I feel deceived by this person because I rather enjoyed RP with her. Just a real shame.

He took another slave a day after he brought thyri over. I was really in limbo then. He was playing thyri's role like she was the last on a chain, a kettle girl. I so dont want to be stuck in the kettle slave role. But also I think that stems from thyri as well. She was a prized slave and now all of a sudden she's a kettle slave? I think thyri would be sad by this as well. But thyri works because she's so afraid of dying or getting beaten. Still doesnt get her in bed with a man though. I think if thyri was in fact on Gor, she'd have died of hysteria because she has never had sex in SL Gor. Never had "slave rape". I know its an odd concept, but I'm trying my hardest not to be that overhyper slave bounding over to the next man who walks through the door and beg them to fuck her. Me, I beg to clean their house, what is WRONG with me!?!?

So back to this new ownership thing. Its interesting to say the least. It scares the bajeezus out of me. He's married. Yay, fun, another nice guy who's married. SO no chance at personal emotions again. Yes I'm married too, but I'd really enjoy I suppose a chance at feeling like there could be a chance for me. Just reinforces my own unattractiveness I suppose. So thyri's been running around doing essentially everything for this dude and his RP sister, RL wife. I have REALLY been pulling back on anything romantic because he's always with her. I feel very strange cuddling up to a man when his RL wife is standing right there with him. I enjoy RPing with her too and she's a blast of a woman... but still.. I cant hussy up to that. She's given me the go ahead, but I cant break out of the feeling that I sure wouldnt want a girl rubbing all over my husband's legs.

So I made him a picnic, and tried to possibly get in his e-pants. Nope didnt work, he only seemed interested in cuddling. Ok cuddling is good too. But I think thyri's going to have to be very direct and blunt in order for this dude to ever see her as something sexually viable. So basically we had the picnic, cuddled, and then went home. Not so exciting, but at least it was time. I also tried to incorporate his wife into the RP because i dont ever want her to feel like I'm trying to get between her and her husband.

I'm just so... confused. I've fought wanting sex for so long with thyri, that she wants some attention so much, but maybe she's the kind of girl you want to take home to mom, and not the girl you want to fuck

Not dead yet

Well Its been a while since I blogged because there really hasnt been much of interest going on. Life in Cos had pretty much gone from bad to worse. There was no RP at any time anywhere other than your requisite greetings and blank vacant stares. In an effort to "spice up" the RP, the powers that be decided to wreck the existing city and rebuild it. We were all a twitter about the fun that could come from this. But what happened.,... the RP died. The people left. Or they just didnt show up. Many moved on to the RP du jour of the sim Obscure Reality which had nothing to do with Gor. I even ventured there a few times and found it to be seriously wanting. Midian folk and gorean folk all staying in their respective social groups. Not very RP condusive if you ask me, it was just taking a certain RP and moving it elsewhere. Meh, its the flavor of the month.

Jared made more promises to be around more and to master thyri more, but that promise was again broken. thyri finally will be sold. Vyl rented thyri for a few weeks which was some decent RP actually. I get to do my solo RP thing and actually have it appreciated. And I have some decent RP. Now I had never thought of really being his. He strikes me as a little unstable, he's Dutch, and it really seems to me the dutch seem to act very very quickly for things. Not really my style, but its ownership and its RP. I do have a bit of a problem with the sexual aspect with him. As much as i've gone on and on about my aversion to sexual RP on the Gorums, I do actually like sexual RP. I love it. I just dont want my only Gorean role to be just sexual. But I think he misunderstands me thinking that all I want to RP is a work slave. I hope this is not the case.

My poor friend is still under the spell of this completely abusive dude and I really feel sorry for her. She claims to love him. He's young enough to be her son, he's mentally unstable and requires a gaggle of women constantly around him to validate his existance. I only hope her eyes will open up soon before she gets seriously hurt by him. He's already cajoled her past many of her limits and I just pray that she sees the truth about this guy before he does her some serious harm

Doors close, doors open

For the longest time I discounted Vyl as a potential new owner. Probably the number one reason is because I'm scared to death that I'm going to get close to him and get hurt. He's dutch, he's very happily married, I'm american, I'm very unhappily married. NOT a good situation for me personally. We have shared a great deal of our personal lives with each other, we share a similar spirituality, he asks about my foot even when my master has stopped. He seems concerned about me which is nice. I cant help but think most everything is a setup these days. Some prank to have me fall flat on my face, something to restrict my freedoms, something to break me. I'm not ready to break yet. I'm already so broken because of my husband, breaking to another man will probably cause me some kind of mental illness.

But he's nice. And he does RP with me. He doesnt just send me away, we have similar gorean views, and he is a para Rper despite the language barrier. I cant help but imagine what he must go through to speak my language in such volume. Maybe I'm one of those ugly americans but I couldnt RP in dutch to save my life.

Its scaring me, its scaring me a lot. I look forward to seeing this person online so much that I hide from them. I dont want it to appear as though I'm chasing them or trying to use their influence to my benefit. I dont want to be the slave of someone in power because I dont want to look like I'm some power hungry kissup.

So thyri's role has changed a great deal. Once a dancer, a tavern slut who was the most desired in HTML Gor.... is now... a pot girl. She cleans, she cooks, she gets up before everyone else does to make the tea and black wine. She sleeps in the work shed, she is the definition to me of a slave. And it hurts. Because of the state of slaves in SL Gor, every one of them clamoring for sexual attention, I cannot cry out for it. Lords knows I do want to, it would be nice to get more than one line. But to ask for sex would be to compete with everyone else out there for the notch that day on the bedpost. And I'm not that girl

The other day, Vyl and I were probably the most intimate with each other than we ever had. Perhaps I felt liberated because his character could do nothing about any advances I made, but the second anything turned sexual, I ran. Why am I still running? I dont know, I wish I did. Maybe its because I'm so scared I've put so much into thyri that I may shatter if anything goes wrong. I have no problems RPing sexually on an alt though so I know its not some fear of getting my word jollies off.

Confusion still ensues for me.

What is Gor?

Well to continue my plight, I regressed again into WoW because probably of Blue again. The man absolutely infuriates me. There are apparantly some people in this world who dont know when to speak and when they just need to keep their opinions to themselves. Sometimes they need to learn some couth when asked for their opinion to simply smile and nod. This is a lost art form. Its not lying, its simple courtesy. We got into it when he said I expect people to come to me to RP with me, and that I'm behaving like a princess because I expect people to come to me. If I expected people to come to me, why would I spend so many hours in solo RP? ACTIVE solo RP. Not just standing away from people within earshot of their conversations, but actually doing something.

Then he said some things that just really pissed me off. On the gorums we debate a lot. I believe that Gor is not all about sex and fucking and where to have sex, and how to have sex, and when to have sex... sex sex sex. NO, its NOT all about sex. Sex is a part of life, a natural part of a Gorean's life. But its not the ONLY part. Now granted, when we log into Gor we are taking a slice of the life of our character and portraying that slice. But, does that slice have to be sex all the time? Sex or fighting or sex, or... fighting... or sex? Seems rather redundant and I can get sex in some freebie sex club and I dont need to RP Gor to get my pixel porno fix.

But Blue decided to attack me on the forums. AGAIN. When he confronted me in world about it, he told me that he actually was trying to RP with me IC. I never saw it, I saw his Dace character RP with me, but Tristan and Blue, and gods knows who else... nope. They never did. So I dont know what he was talking about then. THen he brought up our little trysts, and how I was so open. I said yah, so open giving him the best of my RP while he was in RP on another character and probably on MSN or Yahoo RPing with someone else, and giving me one line responses to my text. I told him that legend had it that he was some kind of stellar RPer. I didnt see it. He asked if he would have another chance. I said probably not because it wasnt the first time it happened and if he's so popular as to have RP surrounding him in multiple forms... he doesnt need me to RP with. After yet another arguement on the gorums, I was forced to mute him. In world, on MSN, on the forums. I have had it.
He got on an alt to try to insult me again, so I had to mute that alt as well. Its absolutely amazing that he calls what we had "friendship". If my being his whipping girl and standing up for him despite everything he went through with Torrid and Dear and gods knows who else. Well I suppose I served my purpose. But I can only be someone's punching bag for so long.

Been a while

So, I stopped blogging for a while. Things have been turbulent at best.

My master is never around anymore. Well, in second life he's never around. In WoW, he's always there. Now I understand that he pays money for WoW and that during these times, money is tight. But no role play in a month to only get about an hour or so is not all that great. Frankly, it sucks.

So I put my feelers out for a new owner. Blue is certainly NOT an option. Not because he gets in my head, well thats one, but he also has this arguementative personality that just grates on me. Frankly he reminds me of my husband. EEEW! Arguing just for the sake of arguing without even trying to see the other person's point of view. Ever notice how someone you're thinking of dating treats the waiter? Well thats like Blue. Has his charming points, but in RP... my experience with him, he cant hold a candle to me and thats because of being rude.

Then there's Vyl. Vyl's nice. He's been trying to get his hands on me since I showed up in Telnus. Problem is, time zones. And language barrier. And... he's dutch. And I think he's very flitty. He thinks he has his perfect match and latches on very quick only to find out things werent all that they seemed. Things continue with Vyl to this day however.

Then there's Scott. Good ol reliable Scott. He's a sweetiepie. The kind you just want to wrap up with a bow and take home to mom. He's a very very dear friend to me and I do care for him like I care fiercely for those I do call friend. He watches out for me and we talk about our personal lives and stuff. Problem is, he's one man trying to save the world. And the world needs a lot of saving. I call his chain of kajirae the "Gaffer Home for Wayward Kajirae" he's got a LONG chain. And he's one person. I couldnt deal with it. Great friend... not so great as an owner.

Then I went out on a limb. I have been talking to someone who's a gaming geek like me, wants to change the world etc... decent fellow, adequate RPer from what I've seen. And all seemed well and good en route to a possible purchase by him. And then he leaves Gor. GAH! Why oh why... oh well. I infatuate easily.

There is also the fighter Karim I absolutely lust after. Its totally just his fighting style I admire. The warrior spirit. I have no clue how he treats people, how he RPs but he's pretty to look at!

to be continued, this is getting long.

Resting

In RP I've notived a lot of things. Popular people seem to have the most drama surrounding them Recently I heard of the e-breakup of a couple who supposedly were pledging their eternal and undying love for each other. Obviously this was the dude that was hitting on me and trying to cyber with me I guess when this other girl wasnt around. I find it mildly amusing that they broke up because he took on two slaves none of which were her. His reasoning? Because he didnt want to sacrifice his job to be with her. However he's always online anyways even from work so I really fail to see his issue but oh well. So they're no more. I really think this man is just the scum of the earth.

Also my master hasnt been online that I can tell at all. Well his internet connction works because I can see him as online on MSN and Yahoo but of course no answer.

So I've retreated into WoW and my RP friend. I'm thinking of surprising him with a story I'm writing which was an idea of his several weeks ago. I just need to get to putting pen to paper to get it done. It should be good. THe great thing about us is that we're taking things slowly this time. Not hopping immediately into an intimate relationship but gods knows I want to but... I'll be a good girl and wait. I'm seriously considering having him take thyri from my master simply because ever since I told him that taking dirty photos because I was honest with him was to "rebuild trust" it shattered mine with him. I really dont feel the connection with him anymore. I feel as though he used me for his sexual gratification and kink fufillment and nothing else. Its a very lonely place to feel that way.

A slave's work is never done

Much fun has been insuing in my little secret blog o life.

First thing's first. Remember that dude that I said "hey no more sex, sex bad, cant have sex with you, you feel for another woman and I'm not going to let you dominate me because I'm a weak coward" yah that one. Well he comes galavanting into my IM talkin all sex again. Wait WHAT? Didnt I tell you no, didnt you have the hissy fit that I cut that out and now you're sniffin around my hole again? I dont think so tim. So he went to work or whatever it is he does with the sign off line "good night wall art" (he had strung me to a wall, and actually gave ONE decent paragraph RP wise... of course followed by the one line wondering) Like somehow that would tease me into sniffing around his tree. I think for some reason since I'm not chasing after him, he thinks now he's going to come sniff after me. I'm sorry pal, you love the chase, you love the attention. I'm not the one to give it to you. Stop being an e-whore and I MIGHT consider it.

In the meantime he collared my little sister, my bestest friend, another woman I can truly say I love. I just want to protect her from him because I KNOW he will influence her. I KNOW he's going to break her heart like it was broken from this other guy. I want to protect my friend. Not only because I'm jealous because somehow I'm only worthy to fuck whenever he gets his panties in a wad, but because well, he's popular. I'd like some popularity and excitement in my second life. Just like my real life, its boring.

Which comes back to me RPing the hard working slave while the boot humpers hump away. I had a little forum tiff with the sim owner of the sim I'm on which she totally derailed the thread to attack me. Psh, like she's any kind of star. She seems to be under the delusion that RP is all about socialization and being More Gorean than Thou. Well that kind of RP works for some. All the posturing and plotting and verbalizations... but sometimes... your ass has to move. And sometimes in moving that ass, you're actually... wait for it... doing something! I believe in that active form of RP, and its a lonely existance

I did get to RP with some people though after that post, and got a TON of people saying "I really like what you're doing here, you make it seem like the sim is real, its alive" Thank you. Thank you SO much. That warms me up inside so much to see that. It feels good to get recognition.

I talked with my master again about his being online once a week. He said he'd work on it. We spent the day RPing together and it was decent. He's a little limited in his scope and ability to listen to what anyone else is saying in RP.. but.. it was good to not RP baking yet another pie.

My best RP friend and I spoke again. Le sighhhhh. le hotness... le.... oh my gods yep I'm falling for him again. I cant get him out of my head. I HAVENT been able to get him out of my head for over a year now. So I made him an avatar, an attractive avatar with the winnings I made from a serving competition which I took second in YES GO ME. And I'm teaching him all about second life now. He looked at the avatar I made for him and he likes it PHEW didnt need to buy the 2000 skin. He's happy, I'm happy and we promised this time around... we're taking things slowly. We're still healing from each other because while we are electric together, sometimes... if you play with electricity, you get a really bad burn.

But gods, if I can get him into Gor..... oh yes. Oh FUCK yes. Oh please oh please oh please my panties get wet just THINKING of him.

RP WITH ME DAMNIT

So I've been in Telnus for quite some time and the longer I'm there the more and more unhappy I become. I just must be generally an unhappy person or something or I'm hormonal or whatever because I'm just getting flat out fed up with people. For the past 2 weeks or so, I've role played some pretty laborious things. Fixing a pier, baking, cleaning, setting up food every night for people who dont come..... but its all by myself. And I write all of this out. I dont just hop on a poseball or do an animation or something... I write it all down. In the open, in longpost format. Even when there's noone around listening to me, I'm Rping it all out. It helps my immersion.

What gets to me is when I DO approach a group of people, and have a reason to... all of a sudden everyone's quiet. Tonight I was in Telnus, and I greeted, looked to see what the people were talking about, trying to get SOME RP out of them. One of the individuals said they were "lost in thought" now with their slave kneeling behind them, that means they're in IM with their slave and just standing around like a lump. BUT the second someone arrived on the sim, this person RAN OVER TO THEM!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!! Hello! I'm here, I'm BEGGING you to RP with me. Please please at this point I almost dont care if my character dies because at least it would be RP! I stayed a little longer, and ANOTHER stranger, a "visiting slave" appeared on the docks... and then they were also GREETED. I dont even get a hello, fuck you or anything! What the hell do I have to do!? I'm working my ASS off in self RP but when I'm literally BEGGING for something interactive I'm either sent away or I'm just shoved off and ignored. Its making me crazy

Bored and Gored

Well finally the RP with the city of Sulport came to an end. It lasted all of 5 lovely BORING days. I've come to some realizations in my travel there. 1. I absolutely love Telnus, despite people not wanting to work. 2. RP is what you make of it. and 3. I'm never going to let some overstuffed knowitall tell me that I'm one of those too goody goody for your RP.

I am redeemed.

My master however is another matter alltogether. We had to make a playdate for some quality time together because of his WoW playing and my RP taking me over to Sulport. Now normally... I wouldnt mind this, I'd normally look forward to it but... his RP has pretty much been found wanting. Its like rote with him. Insert tab A into slot B. Hump madly for 3 posts... orgasm... insert his personal kink here thats starting to squick me out. Its becoming like a one line wonder with him. I dont really know what to do about it. I try to encourage our sexual RP to spice up in some ways... try different scenarios, try different places, hell even some role reversal... nothing's getting him back to the longposting form that I absolutely crave in my RP.

Does this make me a complete nit? I dont really know. The Ubar of Sulport was the same way. One line wonders. Granted some was stimulating enough. That was the way too with my friend who I had to sever sexual ties with. One line wonder RP. BOR-RING. I'm sorry but I cannot enjoy myself with that kind of RP, and I sure as hell aint fapping to one line wonders.

I enjoyed some beautiful RP on an alt the other night. Someone who was outwriting me. Now granted, I was already in sexual RP with someone else.. yah I'm such a fucking whore. But it was GOOD! Is it really that difficult to get good long winded RP? Or has RP turned to one hand in your lap, the other typing one line of "I touch your boob, I finger you" YAWN!

So I've been working on my friend's avatar for a few days now. Damn he looks good. I'd hit it. I think thats what his intent was. The more we talk the more I'm thinking he's doing this all to get back with me. Now this leaves me thinking.... is the same thing that happened 15 months ago going to happen again? With him completely sexually flipping out? Where his depression issues will result in my heart being ripped apart again? I know that I'm a prime victim for abuse by men because I'm just so darned nice and forgiving. It scares me.

It also scares me that my master and I are loving towards each other OOCly. I've told him I'm bringing this other person to Gor because they want to interact with me again. BUT, I'm starting to think thats this person's ONLY reason for wanting to come to Gor. We both realize we're damn good in our RP. Like fucking good. Like electricity, hey, its what we do best. But I also want him to enjoy RP with others. To get out there and show the world "yes you're the fucking best there is, was and ever will be, knock their socks off, dazzle them, wow them and beat them senseless in their RP" But what if he's doing this only for me? I feel egotistical as hell saying this but why would he have me make a character that seems attractive to me and make not so veiled hints that he wants back in my e-pants. I mean even our rather mundane conversations make me tingle recently. Maybe its a lack of sex for me. Its been WAY too long.

So I've been thinking on that. I spoke with my very good geek friend today and we were discussing combat in SL as well as how to bring this person into Gor. He volunteered to mentor my friend. Which is awesome. I can really only teach a man so much. He needs to learn some things from a male gorean's perspective, and my friend I had to cut sexual ties with ISNT the person to do this. Those two would probably beat each other senseless and my friend would never want to see second life again.

I plan however to have a good 5-6 hours free time though when my friend returns to RP. And I plan to have several towels.

Off to adventure

Or so I thought. A friend of mine and I were talking about how RP was getting to be at a real low point for me, so we created a little plotline to get me a little more involved. Even if it was just involved with a minor plotline, it was something HAPPENING. So of course I accepted it.

But then I went to this place. 1. I was called a "lazy slave" for chattering with a friend in their OOC marketplace. Gotta love MORONS who insist I'm Gorean in OOC areas. Bastards. THEN he started force posting on me. "talk you lazy bitch, get up you stupid slave" LOOK BUB It takes me longer than 1 second to type out my response. If you cannot handle that, get the fuck away from me. His excuse to my begging him to please slow his text down was "I come from somewhere where the text boxes are smaller" WHERE??? SL has a pretty small amount of space, WoW has less. And this MORON with supposedly 10 years Gorean experience doesnt know that someone's taking time to type? I dont think so. Just another idiot who read a few notecards and took the position of a slaver in a city thinking it was his way to act out his brutal whipping spank happy fantasies. My big clue should have been when this idiot spanked me, and then suggested a spanking. HELLO??? 10 years Gorean and you think spanking is supposed to be some moaning event? I dont know you anymore idiot.

Otherwise the city of Sulport seems to have been interesting enough. The ubar though seems to think that OOC things like when I ask to go to an OOC event he seems to think its up for debate in RP. Oh no pal. Then he thought that I went to OOC fishing because his RP was bad. It was, but not abhorrent enough for me to rather go fishing. Meh, I just cant wait to get back to Cos.

More fun!

So I finally decided to tell this person I was OOCly RPing with that I needed to stop RPing with them on a personal level. It wasnt because I wasnt enjoying myself. But I'll be honest with myself here. They were HORRID at RP. I was needy for attention and they made me feel special but the lack of dialogue got to me so much that I felt like I was lowering myself to a standard I had no desire to be in. Not to mention that whole "he's RL in love with some other chick that could make my SL life a living hell and I like this other girl too"

I've also come to the realization that this individual must be incredibly unhappy with themselves. They surround themself with women. Not other male friends, but lonely dependant despondant women. Weak women. I realized this when he called me over to his parcel to look for something he had lost. Something that could easily have been autoreturned to him but nooo he wanted his throng of women to come scurry around looking for his chicken. When I realized this and told him "look I'm not interested in looking for your chicken anymore, I cant find it, I've looked above ground, below ground, in buildings, its NOT here" he said "aww just one more time" NO. Then I noticed. 5 other female avatars on the parcel. Not a male in sight. This is what made me cut off the sexual conversations with this person. Not only did they RP on other characters WHILE in IMs RPing with me, not to mention they probably were on MSN and Yahoo RPing with others there too. No WONDER this person's prose read like a 5 year old. If I had to keep up 5 seperate sexual RPs at the same time I'd be short winded too. Then I looked at my friendslist. Males, females... ok who do I turn to when I'm lonely and want to talk... even split of males and females. My friends. Then I thought about what this person's friends list must be like. How they interact with other men vs how they interact with women.

On the forums this individual seems to me to hate women. Hate everything about them. If a woman says boo shit about a man about how he's not meeting her needs, all of a sudden she's evil and sexist and women in general are the scum of the earth. Yet he continues to surround himself with women. To me this person seems incredibly unstable.

They messaged me the other night then saying "so much for being friends" I said I'm still your friend, I just havent had anything to say, I havent been in world for a while, I've been beating up things in WoW. He said I became a ghost when I stopped having sexual conversations with him. Well if thats how he felt, maybe he needed to investigate that he only came to me to fufill his sexual needs. It happens a lot with me, I'm a sexual person, but the second I feel used. Oh no. Not going to happen... buh bye pal.

I've also gotten involved with some real good friends. Friends who talk to me not just about sex, but about things that are our common interests. Gor, literature, music.. STUFF. Men and women talking like human beings. Enjoying conversations, nothing of which to do with sex. Its felt very very good. No pressure, great RP and just friendship. Friendship the way its supposed to be.

So the other night too, an OLD RP partner of mine decided to show back up into my life. To the people in SL I've never spoke about this person because it makes me sound egotistical as shit, but.. hey I'm an egomaniac when it comes to my RP. My RP is good, my RP rules. I rule. Go me. So anyways this person came back into my life via IM. Apologizing for the hell they put me through, the way they flipped out on me. I accepted it. But also something sparked inside of me. I want to RP with them again! We ruled RP together. We shut up entire rooms full of people with our RP. Chat channels virtually shut down when we got together. We were pure electricity. And it felt good. Oh GODS did it feel good. I mean orgasmicly good on the RL and virtual level. Gods I want that again. To make people virtually shut down to see my RP. The kind of attention I get when I compete in dance. When people say "you cannot be beat" THAT is incredibly empowering. It feels good. And I want it again.

Its like a drug, good RP. You find someone who you click with and your RP soars. Its no longer about trying to best them in prose. Its no longer a power struggle, its a dance, a beautiful wonderful dance. And I want more.

Still writing

Ok I'm still writing.. still plugging on. Still someone's secret lover and friend. Does this make me feel like the crud on the bottom of someone's shoe? You bet. That I'm this person, always there for someone else, yet invisible. Pretty much like my RP experience. I stay in the shadows, always working. Sometimes I get a little OOC pat on the head which definitely is nice. Someone came up to me the other day and said "hey, a bunch of us are really impressed by what you're doing with the docks" well gee thanks. If only I could recruit more into this adventure rather than them sitting like lapdogs who never did an ounce of hard work in their lives.

I also had a very nice discussion in Telnus the other night on the meaning of Service. Since this blog pretty much is for me and myself, but I figure someone's going to find it somewhere.. I should probably write what happened. Service is a big thing to me. From hard labor to being that lap dog, its all service. Its about putting someone else first. When it comes to sexual service or food and drink service, most of that actually is self serving. Its this "look at me" attitude. A slave has control in those glory positions. All of the focus turns to the slave then. But what about the duties that are part of our everyday life? Washing the dishes, cleaning the house. Those are aspects of service.

We also then went into the role of a pleasure slave. The four of us pretty much agreed that a pleasure slave was more like a geisha or a courtesan rather than being a prostitute or hooker or pole dancer. A little dissent came up about the art of seduction. I tried to explain that seduction was subtle, it was a look in someone's eye, a movement of fabric, the way the body was held just so. The use of body language is powerful in seduction. Now one can flop up on a table with their legs spread open screaming "COME AND GET IT" and that will send a very clear message. But look at the message that's being sent. Is that really the message thats wanted to be conveyed? The same message can be sent by a look in the eye or a slight movement of the body. A seduction. Both women can be the embodiment of sex. But one woman will be desired only briefly. The other women will have men desiring her, lusting for her, wanting to CLAIM her. Which are you?

Lets see what else, oh there was some home stone stuff going on in the city today, and some free woman spat on the home stone. NOW, here's my problem with what happened afterwards. She was placed into the center of an unruly mob, and a prim whip was passed around. I'm sorry I missed where in Sadists of Gor this was written. After someone I respect greatly stepped up into the fray, I left. I'm sorry I couldnt bear watching it. It was a disgusting display. Finally a friend put the girl out of her misery by stabbing her... and then all hell broke loose again. I didnt see it but I only heard of it. I stand up for what I believe is right. And I would NOT watch this happening I would not support it.

War is also coming to the city, fun. Now, here's how silly I am. I spoke with a friend last weekend and well.. I might get myself stolen. With the city having earthquakes, buildings are off limits. So now I'm going to be in the open and have to try to keep myself hidden, while in character not knowing that war is coming. This should be interesting. I'm not looking to get stolen, but it might just be the spark I need in my RP

Fun!

Ok so after seeing that a few of my friends blogged, some keeping their blogs secret some keeping them not so secret... I'm going to try to keep this secret. Who knows how well that will work but I'll try.

So, this will try to be therapeudic to me to get my emotions and pet peeves out here.

I've been still pretty much ignored by my master. Thats not surprising, the closer we get to the 6 month mark, the more I just think he's tired of me. I'm becoming more accepting of that. I just make whatever RP oppertunities I can.

Then a friend of mine said that I was a greedy Rper and expected everyone to come over to me to RP. I started thinking on this before I snapped at them and ripped their head clean off their body. I looked at my RP style, and I'm not dependant on others for RP. I have a goal in mind for my RP. Like recently its been a dock project. A lot of this involves me RPing by myself and not socializing. And then I started thinking... is all RP about posturing about how much you know and getting into "i know more than you, or I'm more harsh than you" debates? I dont think so but maybe some people do.

So then I've been talking to some more friends. They confide in me and I do my best to listen to them. They talk about their love lives with me. I try to be a good sounding board for them. Unfortunately for me I've gotten emotionally attatched to one, and broke at least 3 of my personal rules with this person. I'm now really trying to keep my distance while remaining polite to them. Because they're in a romantic relationship with someone who I do not want to make enemies with. She's too popular online for me to mess with what is "hers" I think she's wrong for this man and she's manipulating him and I dont like it but... all I can do is be there for people.

I have another friend who's very nice, but also their character seems to LOVE posturing with other people. Another case of "I'm more gorean than thou" I like this person a lot and we have a mutual respect which is nice. But sometimes I just want to smack him with a two by four.

So thats whats been going on so far, I'm actually trying to make a promise to make this blog my little outlet

Thought I wouldnt do it huh?

Ok so in the interest of EVERYONE and their grandmother is blogging about SOMETHING. I guess I'll start blogging, better now than never huh?

Ok so whats going on in the life of lil miss thyri.

Well I've finally moved from Piedmont to the lovely Isle of Cos. YAY! As much as I loved many of the people in Piedmont, it just wasnt home for me.

So I'm in Cos now

Unfortunately however I believe I have hooked my Master on world of warcrack. I rarely see him anymore. This makes me kind of sad. I've gone though a lot with him, he seems proud of me. But I had a dance competition last week, he didnt show up for it. I was kind of upset about that. I had invited another friend of mine to come see, nope, he didnt come either. Asked that friend to read the dance and tell me what he thought, found out today, nope didnt read it. Oh well cest la vie. So back to my feelings/rantings about the master situation.

A friend of mine in WoW in their infinite wisdom decided that they should take my master (who I feel I have an OOC relationship with) into the RP room and get him laid. Well, what miffed me was... HE DID. My friend told me that my master was sniffing and humping happily away at some other girl's ass. Doesnt make me feel good IN THE LEAST. Since I've turned down every offer to RP or have sex or anything. I've been little miss celibate and he's getting to have all the fun.

So that miffs me just a bit. Now I rarely see him in SL. I dont even talk about this issue with my SL friends because they already HAVE their own drama llamas and they dont need mine on the caravan. But it hurts. Another night I spent alone in SL waiting for him and... nothing. He says he loves me but I'm beginning to think its all lip service at this point. We're hitting the dreaded 6 month mark so... its understandable why he's no longer intersted in me and wants some new RP tail. Thats fine, but LET ME GET SOME TAIL TOO!!

Another issue is.. he's married. I'm not. I will NEVER be close to this man. Ever. I'm really nuts about him but it just reeks of lonliness that after we have our online fun, he goes to bed and bangs the wife. I'm left dry humping a pillow.

Which gets me to the next point. Every man online is the world's most considerate lover. Every man wants to please their women, every man loooooooves eating pussy. Well sorry charlie I havent had that pleasure in 32 years and it aint lookin good for the future either. So it doubly hurts when he talks about his wife and how great the sex is when I'm just left humpin the pillow again. Its damn lonely.

I've thought about alting around behind his back but I'm such a flippin nice person I dont. So I've worked to help people who ask me for help with their problems. I'm glad to do it, but I become privy to two sides of the story often. I'm not saying that I dont want my friends telling me their problems, I just wish I could tell them mine. Another sense of angst and woe and other assorted emo goodies.

So thats it for my first post before I go drown myself in a pint of haagan daas.