Doors close, doors open

For the longest time I discounted Vyl as a potential new owner. Probably the number one reason is because I'm scared to death that I'm going to get close to him and get hurt. He's dutch, he's very happily married, I'm american, I'm very unhappily married. NOT a good situation for me personally. We have shared a great deal of our personal lives with each other, we share a similar spirituality, he asks about my foot even when my master has stopped. He seems concerned about me which is nice. I cant help but think most everything is a setup these days. Some prank to have me fall flat on my face, something to restrict my freedoms, something to break me. I'm not ready to break yet. I'm already so broken because of my husband, breaking to another man will probably cause me some kind of mental illness.

But he's nice. And he does RP with me. He doesnt just send me away, we have similar gorean views, and he is a para Rper despite the language barrier. I cant help but imagine what he must go through to speak my language in such volume. Maybe I'm one of those ugly americans but I couldnt RP in dutch to save my life.

Its scaring me, its scaring me a lot. I look forward to seeing this person online so much that I hide from them. I dont want it to appear as though I'm chasing them or trying to use their influence to my benefit. I dont want to be the slave of someone in power because I dont want to look like I'm some power hungry kissup.

So thyri's role has changed a great deal. Once a dancer, a tavern slut who was the most desired in HTML Gor.... is now... a pot girl. She cleans, she cooks, she gets up before everyone else does to make the tea and black wine. She sleeps in the work shed, she is the definition to me of a slave. And it hurts. Because of the state of slaves in SL Gor, every one of them clamoring for sexual attention, I cannot cry out for it. Lords knows I do want to, it would be nice to get more than one line. But to ask for sex would be to compete with everyone else out there for the notch that day on the bedpost. And I'm not that girl

The other day, Vyl and I were probably the most intimate with each other than we ever had. Perhaps I felt liberated because his character could do nothing about any advances I made, but the second anything turned sexual, I ran. Why am I still running? I dont know, I wish I did. Maybe its because I'm so scared I've put so much into thyri that I may shatter if anything goes wrong. I have no problems RPing sexually on an alt though so I know its not some fear of getting my word jollies off.

Confusion still ensues for me.